Today I was doing an image search for ” Crossroads” because I wanted a new picture for my header here at my blog.
Each image I came across was dark, what was beyond the crossroad itself hinted at desolation all of these images implied that if you were here at the Crossroads you were lost and probably damned.
Avoid the Crossroads- that’s where Deals are made with the Devil- so the story goes.
I’ve found myself at the Crossroads over my life- and though I’ll have to admit they are lonesome places to be because we do arrive there alone I can’t say I’ve been frightened by my predicament.
They are familiar places to me and I’ve long since accepted them as my home away from home.
I suppose people are afraid of the Crossroads because we are supposed to find our path and stick to it, create a path and stick to it. Don’t stray from the path or else you could find yourself at The Crossroads with nothing for company but an empty road and the Devil.
Well guess what.
I’d rather find myself at the Crossroads over and over again then to stay on a path, to follow a road and stay on the straight and narrow because we are told that’s what happy humans do.
After all, when we are on a road and we are swinging through life with a song on our lips, Vegan Chocolate Cookies in our backpack and we are safe and happy and secure we are doing what we are supposed to do-finding that place, that friend, that lover to complete us.
That’s what life is supposed to be all about: BELONGING.
It takes a special kind of darkness in us to be willing to face the unknown, the uncertainty and pain that loneliness brings with nothing but company but for your devils and nightmares and one unmarked road after another.
I’ve always picked a road in the end and sometimes I stay on it and sometimes I don’t and when it suits me I head back to the Crossroads again.
Nightmares, Devils, endless sunsets and eternal nights- without them I guess I wouldn’t be who I am.
To not be me. To not be ourselves. To never know how brave and fearless we really are because we never tested ourselves. To spend our lives hiding in the sunlight where it’s safe and bright and everyone looks great in Yoga Pants.
Think about it.
I guess there’s a chance we might run into each other, you know where to find me- if you dare.
There is a meme going around Facebook and the tag line is ” One job, you had one job ”
I thought I had one job, just one job and that job was writing.
When I listened to music, absorbed art, went about my day in the back of my mind-actually what was on my mind front and center was- how can I use this in my work.
Bees and ants working night and day to build and feed their hives and nest had nothing on me. My mind was constantly filing away sounds and smells, faces, words. I used it all. I devoured it all. I wasted nothing.
I was efficient in my job, my one job that I’ve been doing since I was nine years old.
Have I ever won a major prize, contract or had a publisher look at my blogs and say, ” Sign her, for Godsakes do it now before someone snatches her up!”
Ha! Not even close.
My one job, just the one job that I was designed for, the I do for no other reason then that who I have been in mind and soul for over 40 years is writing.
I guess at this point you may have noticed I use the words ” was ” more then once here.
What happened, you might be wondering.
I faded and then I broke.
Once at work I dropped a crystal piece for a chandelier and to my amazement the crystal didn’t break, it hit the ground and most of it turned to dust.
The remains of the crystal sparkled on the dusty cement floor, they twinkled a little when I swept them up and when I tossed it’s remains into the trash it all disappeared.
Four years ago, I’m not sure about the exact moment it started because the losses I went through in one year were devastating but I’m sure it was the day my dog Domino died, that that certainty of who I was, that glue that held me together went away- just as surely as if someone had dropped me on a dusty floor where I turned to dust and swept me up and tossed me into the trash.
I had been diagnosed with Depression in the past and had managed to pull myself out of it with treatment.
This time it was different, this time I was to tired to fight.
I gave up.
I’ve written about Hell and Nightmares and Monsters for years.
Do you know what’s funny?
I never wrote about Despair.
I should have because that was my undoing. I wasn’t ready for the despair. I had no idea what it felt like, I had never given it a face or a name.
Despair is what consumed me and once that took hold, I wasn’t Anita Marie the Writer. I don’t know who or what I was was. I was lost and broken.
I did manage to write on my blog, for as good as it felt to write, it felt like a chore and then something started to change.
Funny enough, it started with dream.
In my dream I was checking into a hotel on a lake.
The Receptionist had dark hair and golden orange eyes and her name tag read, ” Domino ”
” Before you check in, ” Domino told me as she took the pen from the penholder near the guestbook ” I think you should see this.”
She took me outside to the back of the hotel and in the courtyard line with trees and in the center of the yard on a pile of jagged rocks was a deformed snake.
” This one sheds its skin, likes snakes do but this one crawls back into its old skin.”
I could see the snake rolling and contorting itself inside of it’s old skin.
” We keep pulling it out but it forces it’s way back in. See?”
I could see hand prints on the dead skin. How many times I wondered did hands pull at the snake. From the looks often.
” Don’t forget the snake, okay?” Domino the Receptionist said.
I said I wouldn’t
When Domino was my dog, I promised to take care of her when her heart started to fail and she needed constant care and comfort. I promised to show her as much of the world as I could.
I kept that promise right up to the day she died.
I guess,simply put, she asked me one more time to keep a promise and I was glad to.
I’d have done anything for Domino.
The next day I did what I had to in order to put myself back together- practical day to day things.
It was surprisingly easy and I savored my wins as opposed to thinking I had just made it through another day without my world burning and crashing all around me.
My promise to Domino to remember the snake, to not force myself back into my old skin was the element I needed to take the parts of me that were blown apart and stitch them back together again.
I realize that I can’t be exactly who I was before, and it’s a little sad.
On the other hand, that job, that one job that I have always had is the thing I’ve brought back together.
It might not look exactly the same, but I think that is not going to be such a bad thing.